From The Archives: The Anti-Olympics

I love watching the Olympics. Winter Olympics or Summer Olympics, I love them all. I am awestruck by the dedication of the athletes. I feel their pain when they are injured. I am moved by their tears of joy and sorrow. I am shocked by the fingernails of Gail Devers! Have you seen her fingernails? They defy all of the laws of nature!

While I enjoy the Olympics, they are kind of hard for most of us to relate to. Let’s be honest, not many of us are going to be running a marathon any time soon. I had to run out to the mound for a playoff game three weeks ago and I have parts of me that are still jiggling! I have been working on some events for the rest of us; I’ll call them the Anti-Olympics.

Instead of five interlocking rings, our symbol will be five Winchell’s donuts. And we will be strictly for amateurs; no professionals allowed. The only Dream Team in the Anti-Olympics will be pork chops and applesauce. Of course, we have to have those little chocolate medallions for medals. We’ll have to have a refrigerator nearby or the medals will melt before we hand them out.

If you would like to begin training for the Anti-Olympics, DON’T. If you have to train for them, they’re not the Anti-Olympics! Sheesh, get a clue! Why would you have to train for these events:

THE REMOTE CONTROL SHOOT-OUT: This is pretty much a man’s event, but ladies are allowed. You must channel surf through all of the cable channels, then try to remember as many programs as you can.

THE LAUNDRY ROOM HURDLES: Maneuver your way through the piles of clothing and dirty socks to get through the laundry room. Style points will be given for those who can find a not-so-dirty shirt to wear.

THE CAFFEINE-FREE DIET COKE BURP-OFF: Kind of crude, but a lot of fun! Contestants must drink a six-pack of soda then burp as loudly as possible without throwing up. Again, probably a guy’s event.

THE FIVE METER GRIPE: Here’s one just for the ladies. They stand on a five meter platform and begin to recount as many of their husband’s shortcomings as they can in forty-five seconds. A related event is the Pairs Five Minute Gripe, where a wife is joined by her mother or other relative in the griping. Very tricky timing in that one.

THE GRUMP MARATHON: A man comes in the house and proceeds to grump about anything or anybody he can. This is a distance event, so he has to pace himself in order to be as grumpy as he can for as long as he can. Most men are pretty good at this one.

I don’t know. Maybe there are some other events we could include…

THE HUSBAND-WIFE COMPLIMENT COMPETITION: A husband and wife try to out compliment their spouse. Truly a win-win situation.

DAD AND KID WRESTLING: A dad spends actual, quality time with his kids, wrestling with them on the floor, wrestling with dating questions and even algebra. This is an event which will pay eternal dividends.

THE MORNING BIBLE READ: Contestants will actually read their Bible without being prompted. They will show everyone around them how their lives are changed by intimate time with their Heavenly Father and His Word. See how close you and God can become as you read the lessons and guidelines God has given us in the Bible.

THE TITHE CHECK WRITE-OFF: Watch as people write tithe checks and don’t grumble. They have learned the joy of giving back to God what He has given them. Many of them even give over ten percent! This is an exciting event!

Who knows, maybe someday the Anti-Olympics will become a reality. In the meantime, maybe we should start training for some of the events now. I think you know which ones I mean!

Eating the chocolate… um, gold medals… Jerry

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