Christmas Rant 2016

Well, it is Christmas time again. Is it just me, or does it seem that retailers start celebrating it earlier and earlier every year? At this rate we will eventually have a combination Christmas/President’s Day/Independence Day sale where you can give the gift of 10% off a mattress and dining room set, just like our founding fathers and the wee baby Jesus/Satan Claus, I mean Santa Claus, wanted.​Even before their Thanksgiving dinner began digesting, people ran out of their houses to get killer deals on TV’s, X Boxes and assorted other junk that they can buy just as cheaply at the final, final Christmas sale of the year. Continue reading Christmas Rant 2016

Rough Acres Ranch

rough-acres-sceneryAt the beginning of October I began my work day at 7 AM by attending the daily patrol briefing. Then I would go to the drug room and collect the evidence that was turned in the night before. The rest of my day consisted of doing various forensic tasks, and the occasional meeting. As the Scientific Investigations Supervisor for the Sheriff’s Office, my job was different every day. It was often exciting, often heartbreaking, but almost always interesting. Continue reading Rough Acres Ranch

Bunsen Honeydew

bunsen-honeydew               My pulse quickened. I could feel the sweat begin rising to the surface of my skin. I closed my eyes, hoping that what I was seeing was not real, just some kind of horrible mind trick. My hands began to shake violently. A tear escaped from one of my eyes, followed closely by another. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

Finally, the realization sunk in. Depression and anguish filled my very soul. It was true: I had been ordered to shave my beard off. Continue reading Bunsen Honeydew

Forbidden Pomegranates?

pomegranate-1516600Every now and then I get a crazy idea or two. I got the crazy idea to go talk to a beautiful blonde who attended my grandpa’s church. A few months later I got the crazy idea to propose to her. Fortunately for me, she had the totally insane idea to say yes. We must not be too crazy, we have lasted together almost 35 years.

I have told anybody who would listen, and many of them didn’t want to, that the apple was not the fruit that Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden. Apples are colorful, tasty and easy to eat. They are beautiful. No, I am pretty sure that God intended for us to eat apples. The Bible doesn’t say apple, it just says, “fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.” Now, assuming that this tree still exists and didn’t get locked up when they closed the Garden of Eden, I think the fruit was most likely a pomegranate. Continue reading Forbidden Pomegranates?

The Death Stare

michael-phelps-game-face-large_trans++O98ycFATayOMYZMYchRAhDz60MLShTGSjzQPgXOJ4FcLike many people, I’ve been watching the Olympics this week. I have seen some amazing, and not so amazing physical performances, but my favorite part of the Olympics didn’t happen on a court, a field or in a pool. It happened in a waiting room, and it was awesome!

Michael Phelps is one of, if not the, greatest Olympians of all time. He has enough gold medals to fill the cavities of every child in America. Fort Knox asks Phelps for gold loans. Phelps is amazing! Some guy from South Africa named Chad Guy Bertrand le Clos decided to tug on Superman’s cape and called out Michael Phelps. First of all, this guy has way too many names. Pick a first, middle and last, anything beyond that is just pretentious and makes you look bad. Also, le Clos is not real smart. I mean lightspeed unintelligent. He owes IQ points. Continue reading The Death Stare

Getting Old

Dentures in a glass of water on black background.

My youngest son turned thirty years old in July. Thirty years old! I never thought that I would live to be thirty years old, let alone have two kids in their thirties! My seventeen-year-old self could not begin to comprehend the 57 year old me.

When I was seventeen I had hair. I even made fun of my uncle, Pastor Bill Brewer, because of his lack of hair. I asked him if he “combed his hair with a washcloth.” He chuckled, but I am sure that a little part of him died. It wasn’t his hair, because he didn’t have any, but something died, I am sure. Little did I know then that my uncle and I would share a hair style. Well, technically, a lack of hair style. Continue reading Getting Old