If you are like me (and for your sake I hope you are not), you are a big Los Angeles Lakers fan. With the playoffs in full swing, as a service to you loyal readers, I have come up with this year’s “Christian’s Guide to NBA Basketball.” Everything you need to understand basketball (and yourself) is right here in this list.
Basket An implement used to solicit funds from church members. Often passed around the sanctuary by dour looking men who will cough loudly if you don’t put in enough money.
Personal Foul What happens when someone sits in “your” seat. Don’t they realize that your great aunt Martha’s husband’s mother’s sister gave the money that paid for that pew? How dare they plop their ample behind down in the place where your ample behind belongs?
Double Dribble What happens when you look up too quickly while taking communion, causing grape juice to run down your chin. Always bad, a double dribble often occurs when someone is looking around to see if “so and so” took communion, even though you know they shouldn’t have, what with living the way they are and all.
Overtime or OT What you go into when the pastor preaches after noon.
Out of Bounds Things the pastor is not supposed to talk about. Including issues like tithing, telling others about Christ, or your need to quit lying.
Blocking What happens to visitors as they try to approach the pastor through the crowd of regulars after church. The regulars have important news for the pastor, things like asking for prayer for their bunions or telling the pastor that he is preaching too long. See also “Guarding” and “Blocking Out.”
Tip Off Repeated false closings by the pastor. Like when he says, “In conclusion,” or “I have to close now,” three times before he actually stops preaching.
Pass Usually thrown by teenage boys to teenage girls sitting toward the rear of the sanctuary.
Flagrant Foul What the pastor commits when he preaches against one of your “pet” sins. How dare he preach against (take your pick) smoking; gambling; cussing; not coming to church; not reading your Bible… See also, “Out of Bounds”
Turnover A light, fluffy pastry filled with cheese and berries. Sorry, can you tell I’m on a diet?
Dunk What happens when you are baptized in some churches. Far from just getting wet, it is a powerful symbol that you now belong to Christ, and that He reigns in your life. Good stuff, that dunking.
Slam Dunk When you slip out of the pastor’s hand as he puts you under the water. Not as good…
Rebound What turning your life over to Christ can allow you to do. No matter how bad you think you are, or what you may have done, God is definitely looking to help you rebound.
Substitute What Jesus was on the cross. We were supposed to be there so we could die for our sins, but Jesus took our place. Talk about a super sub!
One on One The way Christ deals with us. You can try to hide yourself in church, or even out of church, but eventually you must go one on one with God. The choices you make now determine whether you win… or lose.
I hope this guide to basketball and life has been beneficial.
Oh, I almost left out my favorite basketball term. The term is “open.” Open is what your heart must be to Christ so that you can accept Him. Open is what His arms are to you as you approach Him. You will never find God with His back turned or His eyes off of you. He loves you too much not to help you when you call out to Him.
If you need any info on how to rebound or prepare for that big one on one, drop me a line, you’ll find that getting open is really not that difficult.
Still lousy at basketball… Jerry