Uncle Jer’s Christmas Decoration Guide

fruitcakeWell, it’s that time of year again. As the Thanksgiving turkey was still digesting, Christmas decorations were popping up all over town. Frosty the Snowman made an appearance or two. You see a lot of elves, and Santa is stinking everywhere! For an old fat guy, the dude sure gets around. Being an old fat guy myself, I kind of admire his spunk…

To help you understand all of the trappings of Christmas I have come up with “Uncle Jer’s Christmas Decoration and Quick Holiday Decoder Guide.”

  • Christmas Lights were first put on houses in 1637 and add a festive tone to your holiday enjoyment. They should be taken down on New Year’s Day, or kept up all year round if you are the “Red Neck Woman” from that country song.
  • Blue and white holiday lights are traditionally put up by Jewish households. These lights should also come down after New Year’s Day. Shalom. I just added shalom to add some authenticity to this paragraph.
  • Houses with no holiday lights are traditionally inhabited by Grinches. There are no holiday lights on my house. “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” was written by Dr. Seuss in 1637, and is one of my favorite Christmas TV shows.
  • Christmas Trees were first used in 1637 by deranged woodsmen, and exist now as a solemn reminder that your Aunt Gertrude got you socks and a scarf last year even though you got her something nice. She gets L’Eggs pantyhose this year. Old ones, with a run on the left heel.
  • Fruitcake was first made in 1637 by a deranged little old German woman who didn’t understand what the word cake meant. She added horrible candied wax fruit chunks to a dense bread that can double as an anchor for an ocean liner and baked it. Once it was done, that fruitcake (which may be German for gag gift) was given to her next door neighbor. The neighbor took one look at it, and put it in a closet for a whole year. She then “re-gifted” the fruitcake to her Aunt Gertrude who had gotten her lederhosen and a scarf the year before. Nobody has ever made another fruitcake, they just keep re-gifting that original one. Somewhere along the line somebody decided to soak it in booze to see if it would be more edible. It wasn’t.
  • Pfeffernüsse cookies are delicious powdery white cookies that taste like licorice. They were first baked in Denmark in 1637 by a deranged little old Danish lady. Pfeffernüsse is Danish for “Delicious cookie that gets all over your shirt.”
  • Christmas Carols were first sung by drunks outside a bar in Newark, New Jersey on Christmas Eve in 1637. When a cop came by and told them all to go home, they roamed the streets trying to find their houses, and the tradition of people walking around and singing off-key was born. We continue the tradition to this day, usually without the alcohol as an excuse for singing off-key.

In all seriousness, Christmas is the time of year where we get a chance to celebrate an incredible gift. The gift of Jesus. God sent his son to earth so that he could pay the price for our sins. Jesus left the beauty of heaven and came to earth so we could have a savior. He was born just like we are. He was raised, and grew up just like we do. He was tempted just like we are, yet he didn’t sin like we do. With all of the love he could muster he died on the cross so that we wouldn’t have to. He became one of us to save all of us.

I may not have holiday lights on my house, but I have the light of Christ in my life. And that is so much better.

Waiting for the Grinch to come on… Jerry

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