If, for some inexplicable reason, I go to hell, I imagine it will look a lot like the Atwater McDonald’s Playland I spent a week in last Wednesday. The only thing the Playland was missing was flames. There was plenty of weeping and gnashing of teeth, mostly by me.
Well, like tornado season, or the inevitable time period where Imperial Valley residents can make a local call to hell, election time is upon us. Just as annoying as summer heat, and just like the hot weather, election time will go away in the late fall.
As a service to my loyal readers (both of you, you know who you are), here is Uncle Jer’s Election Year Survival Guide. That last sentence would be a lot more impressive if you imagined a deep, booming voice delivering it. Try it, it’s fun…
Try this fun tip. Every time the Democrats compare Republicans to Nazis, or Republicans compare Democrats to Communists, put a dime in a jar. You’ll have that new car saved up for in no time.
Every time a Republican mentions Ronald Reagan, put a quarter in the jar. Every time a Democrat mentions Bill Clinton, put a quarter in the jar. That new house you want is closer than you think.
I like to think of politician promises a lot like the chocolate I made one year that was stuffed with tuna. Yes, I really did that. You can find the story on my website. Anyway, their promises remind me of that chocolate. It was beautiful on the outside, then when my brother Greg bit into it, it was disgusting, disappointing and pretty infuriating. Yep, that pretty well sums up the promises of politicians.
I’m honestly not sure which would be worse: four years of Donald Trump’s hair, or four years of Hilary’s voice. Either one is a truly frightening proposition.
Please don’t vote for anyone simply because they say they are a Christian, or they believe in God. As I’ve stated before, the oath of office for president precludes anyone from running America as a Christian nation. Vote your conscience, pray before you cast your ballot for God to help guide you, but don’t take the politician’s words for it. They are a lot like tuna chocolates…
If your car has a bumper sticker that says, “Jesus for president in 2016” please remove it. Jesus is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, why would he lower himself to be simply president?
Do your very best to avoid posting pictures on Facebook that are just going to incite your friends. You are going to have to look these people in the eyes when this election season is over. It will be a lot easier if you don’t post something saying they are atheistic, god-hating, booger-eating morons, or if you don’t act like they are racist homophobes because they simply don’t agree with your viewpoints. Remember: “I disagree with you” is not the same as “I hate you.” To quote the great philosopher Rodney King, “Can’t we all just get along?”
Have an opinion. Vote. Heck, even put one of those signs up in your yard, just be civil.
Pastors, please don’t disrespect and cheapen your pulpit and the calling God has given you by preaching politics. Preach Jesus and let him change the hearts of people.
Finally, remember that God is in control of this whole thing. We may not understand it, we may not agree with what he is doing, but he is in control. Pray for our nation, and let God move on the hearts of people. Reach out to your neighbors in Christ’s love and see what happens in them. America is due for a revival, but no politician is going to bring it. God’s people will usher it in as they remember they are God’s people, not Republicans or Democrats.
Some of you might be pretty mad at me right now. If it’s any consolation, you should see the stuff I left out, that would really send you over the edge.
Trying to change America one person at a time … Jerry
I can’t believe my wife is getting dressed for church. Church! It’s snowing outside, the fire is going and it is nice and warm in here. What is she thinking?
Knowing I am better off not to even try, I say “Babe, I know you like going to church, and hey, I’m not usually against it, but tonight? It’s Christmas Eve, and it is freezing out there. Can’t you skip church tonight?” Continue reading The Christmas Birds→
Well, it’s that time of year again. As the Thanksgiving turkey was still digesting, Christmas decorations were popping up all over town. Frosty the Snowman made an appearance or two. You see a lot of elves, and Santa is stinking everywhere! For an old fat guy, the dude sure gets around. Being an old fat guy myself, I kind of admire his spunk… Continue reading Uncle Jer’s Christmas Decoration Guide→
A couple of weeks ago somebody sent me a video of a guy named Josh. I won’t give him any publicity by giving you his last name. Trust me, he doesn’t deserve it. Anyway, Josh’s video was all about how Starbucks hates Christmas because they took the snowflakes, poinsettias and Christmas ornaments off of their holiday cups. He angrily, and pretty boastfully, pointed out how he had put one over on Starbucks by giving his name as “Merry Christmas.” When Starbucks called out “Merry Christmas” to give him his order, he pointed out that he had found the loophole in their system and “made them say Merry Christmas.” Congratulations, Sparky, you just made millions of Christians look like morons. I’ve seen two or three of his other videos, and to be honest, I have seen better film on dishwater. Okay, that last bit may have been mean. Continue reading Starbucks Hates Christmas?→
I looked out of the corner of my eye at the table in the back of Remnant. It was a nice table. There was a nice tablecloth, and some flowers. All very nice. Then I saw it. My nemesis, my kryptonite. A chill ran down my back as I was immediately tempted to do wrong. I instinctively began making my way toward it. Slowly I crept, not wanting to make a scene or cause anybody to see what I was doing. Inch by inch, closer and closer. Someone called out to me, and I jerked upright, “Hi, I wasn’t doing anything…” not cool, Jerry, not cool. Continue reading Kryptonite Donuts→