Bernie The Prisoner

Bernie stared at the floor, afraid to glance at the clock again. Time was dragging on. Two more minutes. Two more long, agonizing minutes until freedom.

His fellow captives had spoken of nothing but this day for the last month or so. Was it a rumor, were they really going to release us? Some believed; others were not so sure. There had been broken promises before, the food would improve, exercise time would expand. Just more broken promises.

It’s time! As the clock slowly moved into the appointed hour, the guard said, “Let’s do this in an orderly fashion, people. Stand up slowly, and march single file through the door and out into the courtyard.” Continue reading Bernie The Prisoner

Tom’s Lament

You know, it’s starting to get weird around here. For months now they’ve been feeding us on a regular schedule, and now all of a sudden, there’s food all the time!

Some of my buddies have been gorging themselves. “Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die,” they laugh. I don’t think its funny. You see, I’ve heard stories. Stories about a holiday where they round all of us up and take us away. Nobody really knows where we go, but we’re never heard from again. It’s kind of creepy. My friends don’t believe the stories, but I do.

I have decided not to eat like the rest of them. Nothing good can come from getting too fat. The stories say that the fat ones go first. Sometimes people come by and look at us and take away the fattest ones. Why, are they trying to breed a fat race? Do they want to refine our society and restrict it to those who are fat? Continue reading Tom’s Lament

Old vs. New

I have a 1968 Mustang. It is a 6 cylinder with an automatic. I love the car, it is fun to drive and I get waves and thumbs up wherever I go.

I also have a 2008 Mustang. It is a 6 cylinder as well, with an automatic, but this one is a convertible.

Of the two Mustangs, the newer one is much nicer. My ’68 is a classic, but I wouldn’t want to drive a long distance in it. It is kind of noisy, doesn’t have a whole lot of power and doesn’t ride or turn particularly well. Sure, I could fix all those things by adding more modern parts to it, but it is still a car that is over 40 years old. Continue reading Old vs. New

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

“R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me…”

I have been thinking a lot about respect lately. Our society has kids who show a total lack of respect for their parents and teachers. My wife actually had a mom tell her, “I don’t make my daughter respect her teachers if she doesn’t think the teacher deserves it.” What? A teacher deserves common respect if for no other reason than that they show up each day to teach your brat, ma’am. Continue reading R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Saturdays With Soren

I took my grandson, Soren, to McDonald’s. There were other people there, but really it was Soren and his grandpa. We went to Wal-Mart and got a toy (okay, two), ate lunch at the park, and had a cool time!

You see, this kid has got me all googly inside. Lanette and I talk about him when he’s not around, and we go through Soren withdrawal if we don’t see him for a while. I even signed him up for the Hot Wheels Redline Club so he can have a collection of Hot Wheels like Grandpa. Continue reading Saturdays With Soren

Steve And His Underwear

My friend Steve showed up at church Sunday and said he was in such a rush that he had to glance down to make sure his underwear wasn’t on the outside of his pants. Thankfully, that was not the case and we could continue our conversation without the awkward embarrassment only a grown man with underwear over jeans can bring. My kids used to wear their underwear over their sweats, but they also had a towel pinned around their neck and made superhero noises. I checked Steve’s neck, no towel, so he wasn’t channeling his inner Superman.

And why does Superman wear his undies outside of his tights? Maybe that was the style on Krypton. Somebody needed to clue him in that we don’t do things like that here. Continue reading Steve And His Underwear

Adultery

Sorry, folks, there isn’t anything funny in today’s post. I tried to come up with a way to couch the message in some kind of allegory or illustration. I tried to think of a humorous anecdote to introduce this subject. The problem is that we dance around this issue too much, we try too hard to talk carefully about it. We find ways to excuse it, to justify it, to somehow lessen its impact. The problem is, we can’t.

The dictionary defines adultery as, “voluntary sexual activity between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband.” The problem with that definition is that it is incomplete. Continue reading Adultery

Fantasy Football And My Heart

I think my football team is going to shape up pretty well. I’m not crazy about my quarterback, but my running backs and defense are top flight. I think the Desert Sharks are going to be pretty good this year.

I won’t actually be down on a field this year, although I will be in the booth for local high school games. I am going to do the 95.3FM the Edge broadcasts with Todd Evangelist on Friday nights. Todd and I are both football nuts, so the broadcasts should be a lot of fun. So if I won’t be coaching football, what is all this talk about my team? I’m talking about the Third Option Men fantasy football league, of course. Continue reading Fantasy Football And My Heart

The Chaw

We were a bunch of high school kids dreaming of gridiron glory. As freshmen we were at the bottom of the football totem pole. The varsity players looked at us as though someone had breathed life into tree moss. We were the newbies, the punks, the pretenders and poseurs.

The first day of practice we all walked out of the locker room fully dressed in our gear. Then we noticed that the varsity guys carried their stuff out to the field and dressed after calisthenics. The next day, the freshmen all carried their gear out, too. We were just like them. Continue reading The Chaw

The Measure Of Greatness

How do you measure greatness? Is it by the amount of money a person has or dies with? Do you measure it by friends or popularity? I once heard a definition of greatness that basically said you don’t compare that person with anyone, they are the person that everyone else must compare to.

I grew up idolizing Dick Butkus, the great Chicago Bears linebacker. I practiced tackling like him, I wore his number, I did everything I could to emulate him and his style of play. I even taped my fingers together because I saw a “Sport” magazine picture where he had done it. I didn’t know why he had done it, I just knew that he had, so I did. You didn’t compare Butkus to other players, you compared them to him. And the others always came away wanting. Butkus was the epitome of greatness at his position. Continue reading The Measure Of Greatness