Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Death Stare

michael-phelps-game-face-large_trans++O98ycFATayOMYZMYchRAhDz60MLShTGSjzQPgXOJ4FcLike many people, I’ve been watching the Olympics this week. I have seen some amazing, and not so amazing physical performances, but my favorite part of the Olympics didn’t happen on a court, a field or in a pool. It happened in a waiting room, and it was awesome!

Michael Phelps is one of, if not the, greatest Olympians of all time. He has enough gold medals to fill the cavities of every child in America. Fort Knox asks Phelps for gold loans. Phelps is amazing! Some guy from South Africa named Chad Guy Bertrand le Clos decided to tug on Superman’s cape and called out Michael Phelps. First of all, this guy has way too many names. Pick a first, middle and last, anything beyond that is just pretentious and makes you look bad. Also, le Clos is not real smart. I mean lightspeed unintelligent. He owes IQ points. Continue reading The Death Stare

Ellie, the Playland and Grasshoppers

grasshopper-1527351If, for some inexplicable reason, I go to hell, I imagine it will look a lot like the Atwater McDonald’s Playland I spent a week in last Wednesday. The only thing the Playland was missing was flames. There was plenty of weeping and gnashing of teeth, mostly by me.

At one point my granddaughter, Ellie, looked at the highest tower of hell, I mean the top of the Playland and said, “It’s too high for me to go up there. I’m too small.” Continue reading Ellie, the Playland and Grasshoppers

Election Year Survival Guide

imageWell, like tornado season, or the inevitable time period where Imperial Valley residents can make a local call to hell, election time is upon us. Just as annoying as summer heat, and just like the hot weather, election time will go away in the late fall.
As a service to my loyal readers (both of you, you know who you are), here is Uncle Jer’s Election Year Survival Guide. That last sentence would be a lot more impressive if you imagined a deep, booming voice delivering it. Try it, it’s fun…

  • Try this fun tip. Every time the Democrats compare Republicans to Nazis, or Republicans compare Democrats to Communists, put a dime in a jar. You’ll have that new car saved up for in no time.
    Every time a Republican mentions Ronald Reagan, put a quarter in the jar. Every time a Democrat mentions Bill Clinton, put a quarter in the jar. That new house you want is closer than you think.
  • I like to think of politician promises a lot like the chocolate I made one year that was stuffed with tuna. Yes, I really did that. You can find the story on my website. Anyway, their promises remind me of that chocolate. It was beautiful on the outside, then when my brother Greg bit into it, it was disgusting, disappointing and pretty infuriating. Yep, that pretty well sums up the promises of politicians.
  • I’m honestly not sure which would be worse: four years of Donald Trump’s hair, or four years of Hilary’s voice. Either one is a truly frightening proposition.
  • Please don’t vote for anyone simply because they say they are a Christian, or they believe in God. As I’ve stated before, the oath of office for president precludes anyone from running America as a Christian nation. Vote your conscience, pray before you cast your ballot for God to help guide you, but don’t take the politician’s words for it. They are a lot like tuna chocolates…
  • If your car has a bumper sticker that says, “Jesus for president in 2016” please remove it. Jesus is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, why would he lower himself to be simply president?
  • Do your very best to avoid posting pictures on Facebook that are just going to incite your friends. You are going to have to look these people in the eyes when this election season is over. It will be a lot easier if you don’t post something saying they are atheistic, god-hating, booger-eating morons, or if you don’t act like they are racist homophobes because they simply don’t agree with your viewpoints. Remember: “I disagree with you” is not the same as “I hate you.” To quote the great philosopher Rodney King, “Can’t we all just get along?”
  • Have an opinion. Vote. Heck, even put one of those signs up in your yard, just be civil.
  • Pastors, please don’t disrespect and cheapen your pulpit and the calling God has given you by preaching politics. Preach Jesus and let him change the hearts of people.
  • Finally, remember that God is in control of this whole thing. We may not understand it, we may not agree with what he is doing, but he is in control. Pray for our nation, and let God move on the hearts of people. Reach out to your neighbors in Christ’s love and see what happens in them. America is due for a revival, but no politician is going to bring it. God’s people will usher it in as they remember they are God’s people, not Republicans or Democrats.

Some of you might be pretty mad at me right now. If it’s any consolation, you should see the stuff I left out, that would really send you over the edge.

Trying to change America one person at a time … Jerry

Sermon Audio: Fractured Fairy Tales Q&A

The Q&A from Remnant’s “Fractured Fairy Tales” series. For the Q&A the Remnant pastors sit in front of the church and answer text message questions live. The service is always unpredictable!

Remnant Q & A
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Remnant Pastors
mp3 audio: Fractured Fairy Tales Q & A

The County Clerk

imageFeeling hungry, I drove down to the local diner. I perused the menu and made my choice: eggs, bacon and flapjacks. When the waitress brought the plate, I quickly noticed something was wrong. No eggs, no bacon, no golden, flaky flapjacks! Instead I saw a peach half, cottage cheese and a stalk of celery on the plate. “Um, excuse me, miss. None of this is what I ordered.” She answered matter-of-factly, “Well, sir, you are fat. I cannot in good conscience bring you food that will just make you fatter.” My stomach roared its disapproval and I left, still hungry. Continue reading The County Clerk