On a cold, snowy midwest Christmas Eve…
I can’t believe my wife is getting dressed for church. Church! It’s snowing outside, the fire is going and it is nice and warm in here. What is she thinking?
Knowing I am better off not to even try, I say “Babe, I know you like going to church, and hey, I’m not usually against it, but tonight? It’s Christmas Eve, and it is freezing out there. Can’t you skip church tonight?” Continue reading The Christmas Birds
Well, it’s that time of year again. As the Thanksgiving turkey was still digesting, Christmas decorations were popping up all over town. Frosty the Snowman made an appearance or two. You see a lot of elves, and Santa is stinking everywhere! For an old fat guy, the dude sure gets around. Being an old fat guy myself, I kind of admire his spunk… Continue reading Uncle Jer’s Christmas Decoration Guide
A couple of weeks ago somebody sent me a video of a guy named Josh. I won’t give him any publicity by giving you his last name. Trust me, he doesn’t deserve it. Anyway, Josh’s video was all about how Starbucks hates Christmas because they took the snowflakes, poinsettias and Christmas ornaments off of their holiday cups. He angrily, and pretty boastfully, pointed out how he had put one over on Starbucks by giving his name as “Merry Christmas.” When Starbucks called out “Merry Christmas” to give him his order, he pointed out that he had found the loophole in their system and “made them say Merry Christmas.” Congratulations, Sparky, you just made millions of Christians look like morons. I’ve seen two or three of his other videos, and to be honest, I have seen better film on dishwater. Okay, that last bit may have been mean. Continue reading Starbucks Hates Christmas?
A bird got loose in my house once. I tried everything to save that stupid bird. He flew away from me every time I got near him. He just didn’t understand that I was trying to help him, not hurt him. Eventually, he met his demise in an ugly meeting with one of my ceiling fan blades. He shuffled off this mortal coil never realizing that the fat guy with the sheet, laundry hamper and broom was just trying to save him from his own actions. That describes Christmas to me. The Son of God left the beauty of heaven and came down to earth to save me from my own bad decisions and make my life better than it could possibly be without him. He wants to do the same for you, and that baby in the manger is His way of showing you. Continue reading Some Deep (And Not So Deep) Christmas Thoughts
We had all of the fixings laid out to make Christmas chocolates. My mom had gotten out the hot plate, the chocolate for melting, strawberry jam, grape jelly, and some kind of marshmallow creme. Yep, we had everything we would need to make Christmas chocolates.
Except tuna. Continue reading Tuna Chocolates
You know, it’s starting to get weird around here. For months now they’ve been feeding us on a regular schedule, and now all of a sudden, there’s food all the time!
Some of my buddies have been gorging themselves. “Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die,” they laugh. I don’t think its funny. You see, I’ve heard stories. Stories about a holiday where they round all of us up and take us away. Nobody really knows where we go, but we’re never heard from again. It’s kind of creepy. My friends don’t believe the stories, but I do.
I have decided not to eat like the rest of them. Nothing good can come from getting too fat. The stories say that the fat ones go first. Sometimes people come by and look at us and take away the fattest ones. Why, are they trying to breed a fat race? Do they want to refine our society and restrict it to those who are fat? Continue reading Tom’s Lament
I’m sure when my mom planned it out in her head, the scene went something like this: As the candle went from person to person, they would share their innermost thankfulness and weeping would ensue. People all around the room would be so touched that a thanksgiving prayer meeting would break out and thousands would be saved. Yep, I’m almost positive that is what she expected.
There was only one problem. She invited me. And my sons. Bad idea, Mom. Continue reading Thankful For Cheese