Sorry, folks, there isn’t anything funny in today’s post. I tried to come up with a way to couch the message in some kind of allegory or illustration. I tried to think of a humorous anecdote to introduce this subject. The problem is that we dance around this issue too much, we try too hard to talk carefully about it. We find ways to excuse it, to justify it, to somehow lessen its impact. The problem is, we can’t.
The dictionary defines adultery as, “voluntary sexual activity between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband.” The problem with that definition is that it is incomplete. Continue reading Adultery
Thirty years ago on September 12, 1983, Lanette Irene Sanford had what can only be described as a HUGE lapse of judgment, and followed through with our wedding. One of her sisters had tried to talk her out of it, but she persisted!
Over the years we have raised two children, been on staff at numerous churches, raised a ton of dogs, cats, hamlobsters and fish. Continue reading Lanette Must Be Crazy!
My brother Greg cussed like nobody’s business when he was a kid. He could put together truly imaginative combinations of cuss words. He was the Picasso of bile, the Rembrandt of rancor, the DaVinci of profanity.
The thing was, he never got caught. Greg could go from cursing me under his breath in our bedroom to being as sweet as pie when my mom walked in. It was like living with multiple personalities. Have you read the poem written by the guy with multiple personality disorder? “Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic and I am too!” I kept waiting for Greg to spew split pea soup and rotate his head like the girl in The Exorcist, but it never happened. At least not while I was watching… Continue reading The Dish Soap Fix
I took a beautiful woman to dinner the other night. Anybody watching would have seen us holding hands across the dinner table, laughing and joking. In short, we were having a great time. I looked into her eyes and felt things that only a man infatuated with a woman can feel. I must tell you, she was a real knockout. On a scale of one to ten, she was at least a fifteen.
Who was this wonderful woman, you ask. My wife, Lanette. Continue reading Taking A Beautiful Woman To Dinner
I was a third grader and I had forgotten my house key. The only way to get in the house was to climb a ladder to get in through the side window. I forgot to put the screen back on and didn’t think anything about it. I went about the rest of my afternoon doing whatever thrilling stuff I did at that age.
My mom called after she got off work and said we were going to get something to eat, so we piled in our 65 Chevy Nova and went to McDonalds. As we returned home I remembered that I had left the screen off the window and my mom was going to be angry. So I ran ahead of my family and climbed the ladder to put the screen back on. Here’s where it gets weird… Continue reading The Screen And Ladder Fiasco
Don’t get me wrong, I like Walter Mathau. He was a fine actor. I just didn’t want to look like him. So imagine my shock when I looked in the mirror, and instead of my face, Walter Mathau stared back at me.
Maybe I need to explain myself. It all started with my grandpa…
“Why don’t you shave off your beard, Jerry? You look like a criminal.” Hardly the kind of support you look for from your grandfather, but his true thoughts nonetheless. His simple statement sent my head spinning. “What would I look like without my beard?” I wondered. So a few years ago I just shaved it off. After twenty years with a mustache, over twelve years with a beard of some sort, I shaved it all off. Continue reading Shaving It All Off
I never thought that pooping would be considered cute. And, for most people, it probably isn’t. But my grandson, Soren, is not most people.
He groans and his whole body shakes, then he grunts hard. All the while, his grandma and I laugh like hyenas on a bender. We make cooing noises and say things like, “You’re pooping, aren’t you? What a cutie! He’s so cute.” And we mean it. He’s pooping, and we think it’s the cutest thing in the world! We really need to get out of the house more often… Continue reading Soren Pooping
Have you ever lost anything? I mean lost it so bad that no matter where you looked you couldn’t find it?
I have lost my hair. It’s true. Believe me, I have looked for it, too. It is nowhere to be found. In fact, I can’t even find it in the drain of my shower anymore. I looked down the other day and saw some hair in the drain. Excitedly, I reached down to retrieve my long, lost friends. My elation quickly turned to bitter disappointment as I realized that I do not have curly blonde hair. When I told Lanette that I had found some of her hair she looked at me as if I were from another planet. Okay, in all honesty, I get that look from her all the time. Continue reading Baldness
I’m sure when my mom planned it out in her head, the scene went something like this: As the candle went from person to person, they would share their innermost thankfulness and weeping would ensue. People all around the room would be so touched that a thanksgiving prayer meeting would break out and thousands would be saved. Yep, I’m almost positive that is what she expected.
There was only one problem. She invited me. And my sons. Bad idea, Mom. Continue reading Thankful For Cheese
It was twenty-nine years ago, September 12, 1981, that Lanette Sanford and Jerry Godsey became Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Godsey. Lanette and I have something special. We are not just married; we are best friends. There is not a person on the face of this planet I would rather spend time with than my wife. If she liked (or even tolerated) football, she would be the perfect friend!
I love her more today than I did the day I asked her to marry me. More than the day we were wed. I love her more than the couples do in those syrupy “chick-flicks” that she watches while I am broadcasting high school football games on Fridays. Continue reading A Love Letter to Lanette