Category Archives: From The Archives

Columns pulled from The View From The Pew archives.

From The Archives: The Anti-Olympics

I love watching the Olympics. Winter Olympics or Summer Olympics, I love them all. I am awestruck by the dedication of the athletes. I feel their pain when they are injured. I am moved by their tears of joy and sorrow. I am shocked by the fingernails of Gail Devers! Have you seen her fingernails? They defy all of the laws of nature!

While I enjoy the Olympics, they are kind of hard for most of us to relate to. Let’s be honest, not many of us are going to be running a marathon any time soon. I had to run out to the mound for a playoff game three weeks ago and I have parts of me that are still jiggling! I have been working on some events for the rest of us; I’ll call them the Anti-Olympics. Continue reading From The Archives: The Anti-Olympics

Take Off your Earrings!

My wife and I heard a shrill voice screaming, “Why you not whoopin’ on me now? We’re outside…” Lanette and I turned our heads and saw two different groups of teenage girls walking out of the mall. The girl who had shouted was in one group, the girl who evidently had done some whoopin’ earlier was in the other group.

The two girls circled around each other, trading epithets and venom. Their friends alternated between riling them into a frenzy and trying to get them to walk away. For a while it seemed as if cooler heads would prevail. Then one of the girls reached up and removed her hoop earrings. I looked at my wife and said, “It’s on.” Continue reading Take Off your Earrings!

From The Archives: Jennifer Greenwald

The score was 3 to 3 going into the seventh inning of a six inning game and my team was coming to bat.  As I headed toward the coach’s box by first base, a mom from the other team asked me, “Don’t you hate games like this?”  I looked at her and said, “I have a whole new perspective on this game tonight.  This is just baseball.”

You see, on my way out the door that night, I got the call that Jennifer Greenwald had been killed in a car accident that afternoon.  I dropped my gear off at the field and headed to the Greenwald house.  Jennifer’s parents, Bob and Lori, are friends of mine.  They are in my Sunday School class, Bob has worked on my cars.  I love them both, and now I was torn up inside for their family. Continue reading From The Archives: Jennifer Greenwald

From the Archives: Getting Old

When I wake up in the mornings it takes me a while to get out of bed.  My back hurts, me knees ache, and my mouth tastes like I slept with a dirty gym sock in it. My wife says it smells that way, too.  Sweet lady, huh

I used to bound out of bed in the mornings after only three or four hours of sleep.  I still get up, I just don’t bound anymore.  More like lumber, or stumble.  Yeah, that’s it, I stumble out of bed in the mornings. Continue reading From the Archives: Getting Old

From the Archives: The Genesis 50:20 Principle

In the Old Testament you can read the story of Joseph, who got sold into slavery by his brothers. Boys and girls, selling your siblings into slavery is wrong! Just because a roving band of gypsies comes by and offers to take little Johnny or Susie off your hands doesn’t mean you should sell them. Besides the going rate for a brother or sister is pretty low, I tried to sell my brothers more than once, and couldn’t get anything for them. I even offered to pay one guy to take Tim, but no dice. But I digress…

Through twists and turns that would make an incredible Hollywood movie, Joseph ends up accused in a scandal, forgotten in prison, and eventually made one of the highest ranking people in the kingdom. See, I tried to sell my brothers because I wanted the best for them.  Yeah, that’s it. Continue reading From the Archives: The Genesis 50:20 Principle

Tom’s Lament

You know, it’s starting to get weird around here. For months now they’ve been feeding us on a regular schedule, and now all of a sudden, there’s food all the time!

Some of my buddies have been gorging themselves. “Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die,” they laugh. I don’t think its funny. You see, I’ve heard stories. Stories about a holiday where they round all of us up and take us away. Nobody really knows where we go, but we’re never heard from again. It’s kind of creepy. My friends don’t believe the stories, but I do.

I have decided not to eat like the rest of them. Nothing good can come from getting too fat. The stories say that the fat ones go first. Sometimes people come by and look at us and take away the fattest ones. Why, are they trying to breed a fat race? Do they want to refine our society and restrict it to those who are fat? Continue reading Tom’s Lament

Adultery

Sorry, folks, there isn’t anything funny in today’s post. I tried to come up with a way to couch the message in some kind of allegory or illustration. I tried to think of a humorous anecdote to introduce this subject. The problem is that we dance around this issue too much, we try too hard to talk carefully about it. We find ways to excuse it, to justify it, to somehow lessen its impact. The problem is, we can’t.

The dictionary defines adultery as, “voluntary sexual activity between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband.” The problem with that definition is that it is incomplete. Continue reading Adultery

The Dish Soap Fix

My brother Greg cussed like nobody’s business when he was a kid. He could put together truly imaginative combinations of cuss words. He was the Picasso of bile, the Rembrandt of rancor, the DaVinci of profanity.

The thing was, he never got caught. Greg could go from cursing me under his breath in our bedroom to being as sweet as pie when my mom walked in. It was like living with multiple personalities. Have you read the poem written by the guy with multiple personality disorder? “Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic and I am too!” I kept waiting for Greg to spew split pea soup and rotate his head like the girl in The Exorcist, but it never happened. At least not while I was watching… Continue reading The Dish Soap Fix

Taking A Beautiful Woman To Dinner

I took a beautiful woman to dinner the other night. Anybody watching would have seen us holding hands across the dinner table, laughing and joking. In short, we were having a great time. I looked into her eyes and felt things that only a man infatuated with a woman can feel. I must tell you, she was a real knockout. On a scale of one to ten, she was at least a fifteen.

Who was this wonderful woman, you ask. My wife, Lanette. Continue reading Taking A Beautiful Woman To Dinner