All posts by Jerry Godsey

Helicopter Undies

The young man sat across the table from me in obvious pain. Tears filled his eyes as he recounted one of the deepest losses of his life. Even though seven years had passed, he was still overcome with grief at the thought of losing something so dear to him. It was obvious that this poor fellow would forever carry the pain of losing something so dear, so personal. I’m not sure he will ever recover.

It’s not easy losing your helicopter undies. Continue reading Helicopter Undies

The 3 C’s

My email inbox is full of stuff. Let’s see, here is an offer for Viagra, another one for hair tonic, and another one for weight loss pills. It’s beginning to make me wonder who is talking about me out there.

Here is another offer about hot stock tips. Well, my investment portfolio could use some diversification. Maybe I should answer this spam email and buy 3 or 4 hundred shares of “Amalgamated Lint.” Sounds like it can’t miss. Didn’t Charles Schwab get his start by spamming stock tips? Continue reading The 3 C’s

Speedo’s

Have you ever seen a beach ball with a rubber band tied around the middle? Or how about a belt around the planet earth? If you can imagine those things, you can begin to imagine the horror I threatened to inflict on kids in San Diego.
When I was youth pastor at Central Assembly in El Cajon, CA, I decided to take my youth group to the beach. Now, at that time I weighed somewhere in the vicinity of 430 pounds. That’s right, 430 pounds. I looked like a continent in Nike tennis shoes. I was so fat my blood type was Ragu. When I sat around the house, I sat AROUND the house. I can tell fat jokes forever, I got a million of ‘em. I’ve heard them all, and thought very few of them were funny. Continue reading Speedo’s

The Christian’s Guide To Football

I like football so much, I thought it would be interesting to look at church in football terms.

You would be surprised just how much church can be like a football game.

With that in mind, I humbly submit:

The Christian’s Guide to Football

• QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Church members quietly leaving during the closing prayer. Continue reading The Christian’s Guide To Football

Baton Training

8 AM: I slid my new collapsible baton and its holder onto my brand new Sam Browne belt. I snapped the baton open a few times, and it made a metallic clacking noise as it extended. The noise is a very distinctive sound, and would give me the creeps, if I weren’t the one holding the baton.

8:30 AM: Sergeant Lopez and Corporal Chavarrin, two correctional officers with the Imperial County Sheriff’s Office, begin putting us through our paces.

They start us out with some light stretching…

8:38 AM: Have you ever heard a muscle cry out in pain? I am positive that I heard my thigh muscles screaming, “We give! Please, make it stop!”

9:00 AM: Sgt. Lopez is showing us how to snap the baton open. There are 17 ½ ways to open the baton. I think it was 17 ½. It may have actually been 6 with each hand, but I lost count. I was concentrating on not letting the baton fly out of my hand and impaling Cpl. Chavarrin.

9:30 AM: We are beginning the actual baton drills now. There are four zones, and Sgt. Lopez and Cpl. Chavarrin are showing us where the zones are. Easy enough. Now we have to start swinging the baton. The baton snaps out, and I go to work on Zone 1 with my right hand. Pop, pop, pop, the baton hits the pad that Cpl. Chavarrin is holding. My arms are still fresh, and it is easy to hit the bag.

9:50 AM: Now it is time for Zone 2, with my right hand. Again, the pad pops as I hit it over and over. This isn’t so bad…

10:32 AM: I am beginning to wonder what a heart attack feels like. Okay, it can’t be a heart attack, since it is only my arms that are hurting.

10:43 AM: I am trying to keep from crying like a big sissy-la-la. I have whacked my own elbow twice, and believe me, it hurts like you don’t wanna’ know. I slink to the back of the line, and try to put on a good front to the deputies standing around me. I think my sobbing tipped them off to the fact that I was hurt…

11:30 AM: We have finished the combat drills, and I am going to check and see if somebody has filled my baton with lead, when I wasn’t looking.

1:25 PM: Okay, somebody is definitely messing with my baton! It started out weighing about 8 ounces, and now it must weigh ten pounds.

2:13 PM: Cpl. Chavarrin looks at me and asks me if I need help carrying my baton to the side of the gym. It now weighs somewhere in the vicinity of 7,000 pounds, and I am looking for a forklift to help me get it to my car.

Okay, it wasn’t really that bad, but the baton did seem to get heavier as the day wore on. My arms were sore for about three days. My legs are still sore, and may never recover.

Sin is a lot like my baton. We get involved in little sins and think we can handle them without any problems. But as we get deeper and deeper in sin, the days take their toll, and things get out of hand.

Doug Lyon wrote, “There is a small tree which grows in Southeast Asia known as the Judas-tree. From its branches grow gorgeous blossoms. These blossoms look like scarlet sunbeams. The brilliant beauty of the crimson flowers attracts thousands of tiny insects. Wild bees also try to draw honey from their exquisitely shaped cups. But every insect that comes to rest on the edge of its blossom is overcome. It is overcome by a fatal drug which the flower-juice contains. And the insect drops dead upon the ground below. So, when you walk around a Judas-tree, you often see the soft grass littered with dead and dying insects. The Judas-tree reminds us of sin. Sin may look bright, pleasant, and attractive to our eyes. It may appear harmless to indulge in it. But lurking behind the pleasure of sin is a fatal poison. And sin is a poison—a wickedness that acts as a drug to take away your motivation to live for God.”

Jesus came to free us from our sin, and save us from its ravages. It is a pretty simple task to accept His forgiveness. Just pray this prayer, “Jesus, I am sorry for my sins and the wrong I have done. Please forgive me and help me to live for You.” Yes, it really is that simple. Then seek out a pastor or Christian friend and get started on the road of true freedom. You can even email me or send me a message on twitter (@jerrygodsey). Believe me, I know all about how heavy that baton can get.

Still sore, but getting better… Jerry

10-18

The radio in my Imperial County Sheriff’s Office Chevy Tahoe crackled. “10-18,” said an excited, agitated voice. Then nothing. The dispatcher called a Code 33, which demands radio silence, then repeated the deputy’s location. Suddenly, everything seemed to go into slow motion. I listened intently for the “code 4” call saying that everything was okay. It didn’t come. I turned my unit around and headed to the location. As a Reserve Deputy with our department, I figured I could at least help with crowd control, if needed. Continue reading 10-18

Droopy Drawers and Belonging

As another deputy and I made our late night rounds of the Imperial Valley Mid-Winter Fair and Fiesta, we noticed teenage boy after teenage boy with pants down low around their waists. You know the guys I am talking about. They wear their pants down below their behinds and then cinch their belts tight so the pants don’t fall all the way to the ground. These guys are so stylish that they can’t walk without putting their hands in their pockets to hold their pants up. They remind me of my kids when they were young.
Continue reading Droopy Drawers and Belonging

Divorce

I’ve got a bum right knee. When it rains, or when it is cold and damp my knee aches like nobody’s business, and every now and then it just totally lets me down.
So I’ve decided to cut it off. I’m going find my hacksaw, then I’m going to cut off my right leg. I’m not going to take any anesthesia, I won’t even clean the blade. After all, a step this drastic should include some pain and risk, shouldn’t it? Continue reading Divorce

A Pregnant Man?

In 1999 people were abuzz with the story of Lee Mingwie who was purported to be the world’s first pregnant man. If you go to his website, www.malepregnancy.com, you will find ultrasound pictures, links to the hospital and the genome company who helped accomplish this amazing feat. I guess something went wrong, though, because he has been carrying that baby for ten years and it still isn’t born. Some pregnancies are rougher than others, I guess.
If you haven’t guessed it by now, the site is a hoax, a piece of internet art by two men who are very talented and more than a little twisted. People believe the site is real and send emails either in support or opposition. Continue reading A Pregnant Man?