“Some Jew,” I answered. “Man, am I tired of these guys with their strange laws and their goofy ideas. This one says he’s the king of the Jews!” My head tilted back in laughter at this ludicrous thought. How could the Jews have a King? After all, weren’t they our prisoners? Captives in their own land, that could never happen to us Romans. King indeed. Ha! Continue reading The Roman Soldier
I love watching the Olympics. Winter Olympics or Summer Olympics, I love them all. I am awestruck by the dedication of the athletes. I feel their pain when they are injured. I am moved by their tears of joy and sorrow. I am shocked by the fingernails of Gail Devers! Have you seen her fingernails? They defy all of the laws of nature!
While I enjoy the Olympics, they are kind of hard for most of us to relate to. Let’s be honest, not many of us are going to be running a marathon any time soon. I had to run out to the mound for a playoff game three weeks ago and I have parts of me that are still jiggling! I have been working on some events for the rest of us; I’ll call them the Anti-Olympics. Continue reading From The Archives: The Anti-Olympics
I’m at the doctor’s office, sitting on the uncomfortable green torture device, I mean table. Or is it a chair? No, couch? Whatever it is, it has a strip of white paper running under my behind to protect the next person from whatever is wrong with me. This sitting apparatus is not exactly made for comfort, and my back is starting to complain.
I started out by waiting in the waiting room. Boy, did they name that place correctly. There was some horrible home show on the TV with some guy blowing a whistle and screaming about auctions. Needless to say, he got on my nerves in about 30 milliseconds. I don’t know why he was blowing the whistle but I already had made plans about what I would do with it if he blew it one more time. I got to hear the conversation of the couple ten feet away, and now I know more about a stranger’s gastrointestinal maladies and trouble with his bathroom functions than I want, or need to. I’m going to file that nugget under, “Things you can’t unhear.” Continue reading Waiting…
When I wake up in the mornings it takes me a while to get out of bed. My back hurts, me knees ache, and my mouth tastes like I slept with a dirty gym sock in it. My wife says it smells that way, too. Sweet lady, huh
I used to bound out of bed in the mornings after only three or four hours of sleep. I still get up, I just don’t bound anymore. More like lumber, or stumble. Yeah, that’s it, I stumble out of bed in the mornings. Continue reading From the Archives: Getting Old
In the Old Testament you can read the story of Joseph, who got sold into slavery by his brothers. Boys and girls, selling your siblings into slavery is wrong! Just because a roving band of gypsies comes by and offers to take little Johnny or Susie off your hands doesn’t mean you should sell them. Besides the going rate for a brother or sister is pretty low, I tried to sell my brothers more than once, and couldn’t get anything for them. I even offered to pay one guy to take Tim, but no dice. But I digress…
Through twists and turns that would make an incredible Hollywood movie, Joseph ends up accused in a scandal, forgotten in prison, and eventually made one of the highest ranking people in the kingdom. See, I tried to sell my brothers because I wanted the best for them. Yeah, that’s it. Continue reading From the Archives: The Genesis 50:20 Principle
Everybody was dressed in their Class A uniforms. The full nine yards. Boots and shoes were shined so bright that you could go blind if you looked at them too long. Everybody looked good.
The Sheriff walked up and down the line of Deputies, Correctional Officers and Professional staff, shaking hands and smiling at each of them. The only people missing were the deputies, dispatchers and correctional officers on duty. Everybody else was there. Continue reading Inspection
In 1972 I had a pair of purple bell bottoms with black pinstripes. As you wipe the tears of laughter from your eyes I will point out that there were two or three other guys with the same pants! We all bought them on sale at Zodys.
In 1974 I had long blond hair. It was parted down the middle, and I was the epitome of cool.
In 1977 I had a baby blue polyester leisure suit. I wore a white gauze shirt with embroidered cuffs and collar. Again, I was the epitome of cool. Continue reading Purple Bell Bottoms
I loved my babies. My dad and I went to the lake and retrieved them lovingly, one by one. Oh sure, they were tadpoles now, but they would be turning into babies soon. I was going to raise them; I would be their dad. Continue reading Tadpole Babies
A bird got loose in my house once. I tried everything to save that stupid bird. He flew away from me every time I got near him. He just didn’t understand that I was trying to help him, not hurt him. Eventually, he met his demise in an ugly meeting with one of my ceiling fan blades. He shuffled off this mortal coil never realizing that the fat guy with the sheet, laundry hamper and broom was just trying to save him from his own actions. That describes Christmas to me. The Son of God left the beauty of heaven and came down to earth to save me from my own bad decisions and make my life better than it could possibly be without him. He wants to do the same for you, and that baby in the manger is His way of showing you. Continue reading Some Deep (And Not So Deep) Christmas Thoughts
We had all of the fixings laid out to make Christmas chocolates. My mom had gotten out the hot plate, the chocolate for melting, strawberry jam, grape jelly, and some kind of marshmallow creme. Yep, we had everything we would need to make Christmas chocolates.
Except tuna. Continue reading Tuna Chocolates